a new beginning
clearly i take things way too seriously, but i've found this blog strangely oppressive. i always have things to write about, but i've found that this handle and my original goals have always prevented me from writing anything at all.
to rectify that situation, i've found a new
home for my ramblings.
please feel free to stop by for a visit.
don't look
no matter how many times i learn this lesson, i inevitably forget and shock myself again when i make the same blunder.
if you don't want to know, don't look.you can apply this concept to a number of things: bank statements, weight scale readings, clothing sizes, fica scores, water filters, restaurant kitchens, etc.
it may seem silly, but sometimes the not knowing is better than the knowing. it makes for peace of mind and that's worth a little ignorance.
there are other things like bar exam results, grades, pregnancy tests, etc., that you obviously can't avoid. however, there's always a right time to take on such daunting tasks. so do yourself a favor and wait till you've got the fortitude to handle the results, good or bad.
and no, i'm not pregnant, you crazy people. i get the bar results in 21 days and i'm very very nervous. i'm not sure when i'll be ready to know the results, but i don't think 21 days is enough.
name that tune!
i'm a flake and completely forgot to post the answers. sorry about that!jumping on the bandwagon...
here are the rules in case you haven't played the game. below are the first lines to 20 different songs. name the artist
and the title for "full" credit. keep it fair by not googling or looking up the lyrics. have fun!
it must be noted -- i'm too poor for an ipod. so this list is from my mp3's on my old desktop...which i have not used or downloaded music to in 3 years. so don't laugh at my cheesy music! also, some of the lyrics are harder than others so for those, i put 2 lines.
- You have to swear/You've got love to love me. rules by shakira -- niki
- I done ran into my baby and finally found my old blue jean. blue jean blues by zz top -- sibil
- Not 'til you halo all over me. all neon like by bjork -- sibil
- Learn to lose, it's easier that way/We've paid our dues, but we can't make life pay. Everything is new again by Bare naked ladies -- niki
- if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine. sick cycle carousel by lifehouse -- niki
- And the embers never fade in my city by the lake. tonight, tonight by smashing pumpkins -- sibil (i love this song too!)
- Now in my younger days I used to sport as shag/When I went to school I carried lunch in a bag -- PASSING ME BY by PHARCYDE
- Past the road to your house that you never called home. Desperately wanting - Better than Ezra
- When you’re weary, feeling small/When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all -- Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel -- niki (which version??? only the best!)
- I am a man cut from the know. breaking the girl by red hot chili peppers -- sibil
- I know there's something in the wake of your smile. listen to your heart by roxette (i know, i know!) -- niki
- Yo I'm in the eye of the storm, where the pressure's on. adrenaline by the roots -- sibil
- I am the only one to blame for this. worlds apart by jars of clay -- niki
- I looked out the window and seen his bald head. egg man by beastie boys -- sibil
- I long for the warmth of days gone by. 4 seasons of loneliness by boyz ii men -- niki
- The way you're bathed in light reminds me of that night/god laid me down into your rose garden of trust and I was swept away -- DOLPHINS CRY by LIVE
- If you wait for me then I'll come for you/Although I've traveled far, I always hold a place for you in my heart. The Promise by Tracy Chapman -- niki
- Nothing's so loud as hearing when we lie. all i want -- toad the wet sprocket -- sibil
- Even if I am in love with you/ All this to say, what's it to you?/Observe the blood, the rose tattoo -- MARLENA ON THE WALL by SUZANNE VEGA
- When you were here before/Couldn’t look you in the eye/You’re just like an angel -- CREEP by RADIOHEAD
so many dresses, so little time
everyone who inquires about the status of my wedding planning expresses surprise when i answer their questions about my wedding dress. my wedding is not for another 14 months, but most people expected me to have purchased my gown the day after george put a ring on my finger. i'm not sure if that means i oozed desperation from my pores or that i give the impression of valuing fashion over, well, anything.
i suppose it's probably more of the latter, or least i'd like to think so. there was a time when it would have made sense that people expected me to be all about the dress. however that time passed about 30 pounds ago. in the 3 months i've been engaged, i've tried to avoid conversations about gowns and even thinking about them to myself.
this is not an entirely sensible plan b/c the whole ostrich-like response to unpleasant matters never works. i have until the end of april to finalize wedding details like the church, dj and photographer. then i'll take "off" for 3 months to focus on finals, graduation and the bar exam. i'll pick up with wedding planning in august but i'll also be preoccupied with the engagement party at that point. anyway most wedding planning guides recommend leaving the gown decision until no later than 8-10 months before the wedding. that would mean that i'd have to have the dress picked out and ordered by no later than september. that poses a problem for me b/c i don't plan to look at dresses until i make a trip to india in october.
the solution to this would be just to narrow my choices down now and then make an impulse decision next fall. easy right? not when you consider that ordering off a dim sum cart is an agonizing decision for me. i've tried to look at dresses online and see which styles catch my eye. then perhaps i'll be able to muster up some courage to hit a bridal salon and try on some styles and see which ones don't make me look like the stay puft marshmallow man.
this could be easier said than done if i had any idea of the image i'd like to present on my wedding day. do i want to be a dewey and soft bride? a regal one? an ethereal one? sexy? innocent? princess?
what type of material: lace? satin? taffeta? the type of work? bead embroidery? pearls? silver? gold?
neckline: strapless? sweetheart? spaghetti straps?
sillhouette: a-line? empire? ball-gown sillhouette?
train length: chapel? cathedral?
there are just too many choices and i'm incapable of decision.
i think that's perhaps why i have no interest in trying on wedding dresses (more than my fear of looking in the mirror). i understand that it's going to be hard for me to even decide on a style, let alone a specific dress and i'm already dreading the process. i wish my fairy godmother would just wave her wand and dress me. or more realistically, i wish someone would just tell me what look i should aspire to on my wedding day and then put me in that exact dress with a matching tiara and veil.
if that's too much to ask, is it also too much to ask that george and i have 10 different wedding ceremonies and receptions so i can wear my narrowed down selections without going crazy with the eeny meeny miney mo?
i thought so.
the story of the day my dreams came true
i'd like to introduce you to the man in the picture to the left with me. *ahem* as of 12/17/05, george, my dear flog friends, is my fiance. yes, that's right folks, i'm ENGAGED!!!
i'd like to tell all of you how this came about, but in order to understand how i felt, i need to set the stage.
i knew george had sent my ring off to be designed, b/c we were very open about those details. it sounds strange, but george wanted to make sure that i was definite about which ring i wanted (as if anything else we had seen could compare!) so he was very persistent about making sure my mind was set. the setting was supposed to take 2 weeks to design, but as you'll see in later pictures, the work is rather intricate and had to be done by hand, so 2 weeks ended up becoming 8 weeks. so the wait was KILLING me. i knew once george had the ring, he wouldn't be able to squelch the anticipation, so i was dying to hear that the ring had been completed.
we received word a few weeks ago that it was "just 2 more weeks" as we had heard so many times before. during this time, we had arranged to go to miami for new years. george had always been clear about his intentions for proposing -- he was going to do something complicated and elaborate and it would HAVE to be a destination. he had these grand ideas of paris but i quickly dissuaded him of that by reminding him that if we went to paris, i'd be EXPECTING the proposal and therefore there'd be no surprise. i had mentioned in passing a while back that my dream proposal would be very low key and spiritual. i had also mentioned once that i thought national cathedral would be a great place for a spring proposal b/c the bishop gardens are simply breathtaking and, combined with the ringing church bells, you can't go wrong w/ the ambience, the romance or the awe the place inspires. anyway, he said if i could wait for a spring proposal (which there was no way my heart could take the delay any longer), he'd love to do that. i responded by reminding him that i had no choice in the timing of the proposal b/c i couldn't very well force him to utter the words i've been longing to hear.
fast forward to last week -- i knew george had the ring but he made no attempt to hide the fact that he just wanted the security of knowing that the ring search was over. he had planned on just insuring it and putting it away for safe keeping, much to my extreme dismay.
on tuesday, he mentions that he has to go to work early the next day to attend a meeting. the next day, i call him a few times but i don't get an answer. the sherlock holmes in me finds it quite interesting that he hasn't been near the phone at any time to pick up one of my numerous phone calls, nor has he been online at all. nevermind that i should have been studying for finals, there was detective work to be done!
i called my mom at work only to find out that she was off that day. cut to me rubbing my hands eagerly as i realized what an awful liar she is. if geoge had actually skipped work that day to go see my rents, my mom would be unable to hide it. so i call her only to hear that she's on her way to the dmv for a new driver's license. i call later to talk to my dad and endure a lecture on renewing my passport. ok so my parents are not part of whatever shady business george was so obviously up to.
the next day, i looked for an umbrella in george's trunk. i could have sworn i had left one there, but all i found was a shirt of mine wrapped around something. i thought my umbrella had gotten entangled in the shirt so i tried to unroll it. i then realize to my extreme confusion that it's not an umbrella, it's a pineapple!
AHAH, i think to myself! (don't worry if you don't get it. this is the part of the story that everyone is like what does that mean? is pineapple a code word??) whenever george comes to my house with me, she always sends me home with random produce so i just KNEW that the pineapple had to come from her. which meant that he HAD gone to see my family the previous day! which meant that he was going to propose soon!
that day, i return to my apartment and notice a soda cup that george had left on my tv stand. no big deal to most ppl, but i've got eagle eyes and lightning fast brain processing speed...ok i just have nothing better to do. i immediately realize that it's a burger king cup.
AHAH #2! I think to myself. there is no burger king by my apt or by george's work or anywhere in between. so if he HAD gone to work the previous day as he so claimed, where did he get this burger king cup from? (yes i realize that i need a hobby, but i was inundated with exam studying...i needed a mental diversion).
throughout wednesday and thursday, i had been regaling vanisha with my supposed theories. she was in agreement that something was up. i thought that he might propose on saturday night b/c we were going to our favorite restaurant, bistro asiatique (think back to the flog collage of food i had a few months ago).
by friday, i was so excited, i could barely stand it. this boded well for my last exam for which i should have been studying. george had a holiday party to attend and b/c i couldn't go, he took our friend achamma. i told achamma that george was taking me out to a special dinner on saturday. her response was, "ooh can sanjay and i come too??" the 4 of us double date a few times a month so normally this would have been an unsurprising request but because i was certain george was going to propose, her question completely threw me for a loop. i expected her to be in on the duplicity so why would she take a chance that i would say, "sure you guys should join us!"? anyway, i couldn't let her deter me from getting ready for saturday so instead of studying, i spent the evening waxing my arms, threading my eyebrows, putting hot oil in my hair, etc. i finally calmed down enough to review the material for my saturday exam a bit but i was so restless i doubt anything sunk in.
i finally gave myself a reprieve and settled into bed around 2 am. i knew george would be late but i accidentally locked the deadbolt to which he doesn't have a key. this caused me to wake up to an insisent ringing doorbell at 5 am while he was drunkenly irate that i'd lock him out. george, once riled up, is hard to calm down again. he started going on about how we weren't going to get married b/c he had asked my parents (aha! i was right!) and that my dad said no! JIGGA WHA??? that scenario never crossed my mind and so i was stunned. george eventually went to bed while i stayed up the rest of the night/morning perturbed by how dumb i was -- i had let myself get my hopes up only to be disappointed that my stupid father had derailed the george and julie love train.
completely devastated but trying hard not to show it, i dressed for school and made last minute preparations for my exam. george and i agreed that we were still on for dinner but then he says instead of asian fusion, he wanted something hearty like indian food from heritage india, one of the best injun places in dc. this was last nail in the proposal coffin for me. i knew he'd never propose at a random indian restaurant that held no meaning for us other than yummy food so i realized that i had been hasty in jumping to conclusions. george walked me outside and i trudged to the metro. once i turned the corner and left his line of vision, i immediately called vanisha to break the news to her. she was about as disappointed as i was. we agreed that i possibly connected dots whose only thing in common was being tantalizingly random to capture my attention. i resolved to go into my exam with a clear head and not be distracted b/c even if george wasn't going to propose that evening, i firmialy believed he would EVENTUALLY ask me to marry him.
my exam started late and ended later than i expected. by the time i reached home, it was 6 pm, instead of the 5 pm on which we had based our evening's plans. george was kind but abrupt as he tried to rush me through my beauty preparations. if i hadn't been convinced that 12/17/05 was NOT the proposal day, that was it -- he would NEVER let me walk out the door looking like a hobo as i did that evening if he were truly to propose. we were late for our reservations at bistro asiatique so he called the restaurant to warn them. on the way, he says that he's finally decided on food -- he definitely wants indian food, not the asian fusion, which apparently was convenient b/c he made 8 pm reservations there under the assumption that i'd be late.
we headed down wisconsin ave towards heritage india with the view of the national cathedral as our north star. as we drew closer to the beautiful church, we discussed how lovely it was and i mentioned how i had never been on its grounds. this led george to do a quick u turn and park in front of the cathedral. there was construction of a parking garage that married our view from the street so we had to walk a short distance to circumvent the obstruction. as we walked, we oohed and aahed over the beauty. i felt a sense of tranquility come over me as i stood in awe of this beautiful edifice which has been a haven to countless numbers of people. i mentioned to george that i would like to see the bishop gardens one day when the weather was better. apparently george missed the" when the weather is better" portion of my remark b/c he yanked my arm down some dark and rocky path as towards the bishop's gardens. i'm sure it would have been a beautiful sight in may or june with the flowers blooming and and balmy 60-80 degree weather to greet us. however, at 9 pm in december, there are no tourists, so the lights are not on and the 20 some degree weather seemed to be a harbinger of bad things to come. i felt a little wary and wanted to turn back but george was hit with such enthusiasm that i felt bad.
we strolled hand in hand through the gardens as we appreciated the beauty. even in the winter, the landscaping deserves a moment of adulation, especially as it is bathed in the residual light shining from the cathedral. we stopped near a fountain (no water running of course) where george drew me in his arms and started slow dancing with me. he talked about how we met and how he always knew i was the one for him. he embarrassed me with appreciation of my quirks and qualities. if i wasn't dumbfounded enough, he told me that he had a poem he wanted to read to me that encapsulated his thoughts. while he read the lovely words to me, i tried to understand what terrible news he had for me that he thought he needed to buffer by some kind consideration first. i imagined news that i had a fatal disorder that would claim my life the next day or that my law school had called -- i was too dumb to continue as a a third year and they were going to expel me one semester before i graduated.
as i entertained such melodrama, george got down on his knee. i still didn't understand what was happening, but i knew that something momentous was about to occur and i couldn't stop the pounding in my heart. he uttered the words i'd been longing to hear. my graceful response? "where's the ring???" i'm not normally so materialistic but after over 2 years of hearing george telling me that we weren't getting married, i couldn't believe he wasn't teasing me. i fully expected him to stand up and yell "PSYCHE!" after i said yes. he must have understood my trepidation b/c he pulled out the ring and nearly blinded me with its beauty. it finally sunk in -- the man i've loved and waited for since the day i was born had asked ME to marry him. i didn't know it then but apparently the tears had been flowing freely from my eyes the moment he gathered me in his arms. maybe subconsciously i knew what was about to happen.
after squealing and yelling and hugging and kissing, we walked hand in hand back to the car. i called my rents to gush and squeal some more. we called his family and informed them of the good news. THEN we went back to the asian fusion restaurant where george had arranged for the chef and staff to treat us extra well. we dined on wonderful food, some appetizers and desserts designed for us, accepted congratulations from all the staff and got drunk on champagne. we called a few friends to share the story as well as coordinate the next part of george's plan. i had told everyone on my birthday a month before that i wanted to get drunk with everyone the evening following my last exam. i thought a few of us were going to meet for this purpose but george had invited all of our friends to a lounge to celebrate the engagement.
it was the perfect proposal. if george had stuck with the original plan of proposing at a destination like on our new year's trip to miami, i would have been suspicous the entire time. by doing something low key, even despite inadvertently leaving clues, he took me by complete surprise. it was understated as i wanted, romantic in its naturally beautiful setting and spiritual in its awe-inspiring venue. the night was capped by wonderful food, thoughtful staff and the greatest friends a girl could ask for to celebrate the best day of her life.
~~~
in the weeks since the proposal, i've started to realize how inordinately blessed i am. i have a wonderful family who will do anything to make me happy, including giving me the wedding of my dreams. i am about to join a family that treats me like daughter/sister they've always wanted. i'm planning a future with the man who will always take care of me, support me, love me and tell me when i'm being an idiot without fear of reprisal. i'm so blessed that it makes me tear up everytime i think about it.
i'm also so fortunate for all of you. i know i promised this story a month ago. i swear i wrote nearly all of it but i didn't write the ending (as if it were a surprise). i finally finished it a few weeks ago but it didn't capture the magic of the moment or the emotional upheaval i'd endured that week. i finally realized that nothing i could write would adequately explain the events of that week or how my heart twisted and turned. it was time just to tell they story the best i could -- as if you were there for every moment. i'm fortunate for all of you b/c you've been so thrilled with me and for me. you've congratulated george (or expressed your condolences), jumped for joy and squealed with excitement with me. you've bitten your nails with me as i worried about our parnets' official meeting and sighed relief as i told you the meeting went better than any of us could have hoped. you expressed your inordinate pleasure that we found the wedding hall of our fantasies...but most of all, many of you who didn't know the whole story waited patiently for me to put it to words to read. so for you, my dear friends, i thank God.
(i know this is pure drivel but i didn't have the energy or the know-how to make this read smoothly. sometimes you're just too close to the material to care how it comes off. dammit it's my story! =)
happy chinese new year!
ok so i'm 27 days late with my new year's resolution but considering that the chinese are celebrating the year of the dog tomorrow, i figure it's never too late to make some resolutions for the year. as such, here are some goals i'd like to accomplish for 2006:
- be more regular in my blogging/flogging. i say that i'd like to be a writer but i do nothing about it. i have a journal in which i never write and i mentally compose snippets that i'd like to put on paper but i never do it. i'm resolving to taking more opportunities to make myself write. even if it's crap, i'm going to try to affix my thoughts to paper/laptop so that at least i'm exercising my mental muscles.
- be a better friend. this includes getting to all the phone calls/emails i'm so terrible at returning. there's really no reason for be me so lax in my correspondence. i'm just a flake and if i don't call or respond immediately, i completely forget to do so.
- be a better daughter. i've heard such horror stories from already and soon-to-be married friends about how much turmoil they endured in midst of wedding planning. i don't know if it's because i'm a fatalist, but i've been pleasantly surprised by how smoothly wedding-planning has gone so far. my parents have been absolutely awesome to the point that i hardly recognize them. i feel so grateful that i want to be a better daughter and sister so that i can try to deserve an iota of the grace and love they've bestowed on me.
- be a better girlfriend/fiance. just b/c i've snared george doesn't mean that i can start taking him for granted.
- improve my health. i've lost 13 pounds but i've got 25 more to go if i want to be healthy. actually, scratch that, i can be healthy if i lose another 15 pounds, but my goal is to lose a total of 25 more. i think i'd be at my optimum physical and mental state at that point. i want to feel fit and limber and the best i've ever felt. that way when i'm 40, i can look back and say, oh to be in my mid 20's again. ;) (it doesn't hurt that with a set wedding date in mind, i have a definite date by which to reach my goal of health and fitness).
- edumacate myself. i used to be quite the reader of all things educational. lately all i've been reading is either rubbish, sensational, the latest thriller/tearjerker or something equally ephemeral. i *need* something mentally challenging to sustain me.
that's it for now. i'm sure this list will expand thru the months for but now, i think these are some reasonable goals.
not that i'm about to throw myself under a train
ever since i started my love affair with russian literature at the tender age of 14, i've always been obsessed with
anna karenina. i've seen the film versions and thought they didn't do enough justice to the novel. anyone who mentions being familiar with the novel is an immediate friend of mine. (nice to know i'm not very discriminating, huh?) similarly, any other book or movie that refers to
anna karenina gets an a-ok from me. it's like a blind covers my eyes and plugs my ears -- i cease to notice the mediocrity of what i'm reading/viewing. i am just so in love with the creator of the work for speaking to me thru his or her reference of the novel. this love for anything that refers to vronsky, anna, kitty and others has met its match.
i saw a movie back in 1998 called
music from another room. i actually liked it at the time. i wasn't completely enthralled but i thought i appreciated that my favorite novel was mentioned. it was on showtime yesterday and i thought i'd take the opportunity to watch it again and see why random bloggers hate gretchen mol's acting so much. well after wasting over 1 1/2 hours of my time, i realize now what i failed to appreciate then: the storyline is terrible and gretchen mol really is a terrible actress. i'm sure she was a great thespian in high school when acting in
our town was a stretch, but her skills must have peaked at that age because i've seen better acting from george when i ask him if my butt looks big in these pants.
conclusion -- citing
anna karenina may be a way to my heart but it sill surely not make for a great work of art.
shawn tagged me so here we go!
at this rate, the only blog updates i'll do to either my xanga or this blog will be due to tags. you few readers -- don't get any funny ideas. ;)
shawn tagged me so here we go! The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits" and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
- when i'm reliving conversations i've had with people, i actually make the same expressions and move my mouth as if i'm speaking with those people. this leads to many confused glances by strangers when i'm in public.
- refusing to talk (even on the phone)/drink/eat/swallow until i've brushed my teeth in the morning.
- picking at my perpetually peeling lips
- if i'm alone, i can go for days without eating b/c i forget. if i'm with people, i do nothing but think of food.
- looking at my reflection of my body (below my neck) in windows as i'm walking to catch and suck in, tuck in or otherwise hide unsightly bulges.
Tag, I'm it.
Four jobs I have had:
- Handbag sales associate at Macy's in high school and freshman year of college
- hostess at a now-defunct asian fusion restaurant in nyc
- model for cache
- public relations intern for a brokerage firm on wall street
Four movies I could watch over and over:-
- goonies (oodles and i have this in common)
- shawshank redemption (love me some tim robbins)
- BIG (gotta love tom hanks)
- ice age
Four places I've lived:
- jersey city, nj -- till wee age of 2
- clifton, nj -- up until the tender age of 17
- new york city -- from 17-23
- washington, dc/silver spring, md -- 23-present
Four TV shows I love to watch: (i'll limit this to current shows)
- Lost (though i hate storylines centering on charlie and jack)
- my name is earl
- gilmore girls (it's lost some of its initial appeal but i still love the show maybe only b/c everyone says i talk like lorelai)
- project runway (the one reality show where people are competing for a job by demonstrating actual talent
Four places I've been on vacation: (in order of most recent to least)
- miami
- new orleans, la (i'm so grateful to have visited one of my favorite cities while it was still the same big easy we all remember)
- acapulco, mexico
- orlando, fl
Four of my favorite foods:
- anything with cheese
- anything with mushrooms
- anything with shrimp
- anything spicy
Four places I'd rather be right now [this one stumped me b/c i've never been to wish i was elsewhere. i'm happy with my location at all times (generally speaking). i'll assume this means places i'd like to be at some point in life]:
- argentina
- czech republic
- morocco
- malaysia
Four sites I visit daily:
- gmail
- bloglines
- westlaw/lexis nexis
- dlisted
Four books I can reread perpetually: (i added this since i'm not going to tag bloggers):
- anna karenina (any book or movie that refers to my all-time favorite book is a-ok with me! even if it's music from another room)
- a separate peace (gene had it right, saracasm is a defense for the weak)
- oh the places you'll go!
- a fine balance (anna karenina is my favorite novel to read but this is my other favorite novel b/c if i had an iota of rohinton mistry's talent, i'd be writing in this style).
Four bloggers I am tagging:
- it wouldn't be right for me to tag anyone for 2 reasons: 1) my infrequent updates give me no right to inflict this on someone else; 2) everyone else has probably already done it by now
se7en
if
A N N A,
sibil,
nina, and
sue can do it, then so can i
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) fulfill my purpose in life (once i figure out what that is)
2) make my parents proud
3) be a damn good attorney :)
4) share the blessings
5) make my phyique an exact representation of my ideal body image
6) write for other people's enjoyment
7) stop procrastinating/stop living under the shadow of my unfulfilled potential
7 things I can do:
1) bring out the best in people and show them how beautiful they are (ok fine, hair and makeup) 2) make a friend anywhere
3) listen
4) handstands and headstands
5) make people smile and laugh
6) lose my train of thought within seconds of speaking
7) be a kid at heart (or a fool, depending how you look at it)
7 things I cannot do:
1) shut up
2) finish projects or plates of food
3) concentrate
4) fit into size 4 pants anymore :(
5) stop grinding my teeth
6) calm down
7) draw/sculpt/paint/any artistic expression
7 things that attract me to another person (let's pretend i'm not describing geoge, mm kay?):
1) generous spirits
2) people who can make friends anywhere
3) appreciating the finer things in life -- i.e. friends and family
4) warm smiles (dimples are a big plus)
5) strong, warm hands
6) problem solvers
7) strong-willed independence
7 things that I say most often:
1) i'm like/i was like whatever
2) um yeah, i have no idea what you're talking about
3) ohhhhh
4) GAH
5) shut up you big stupid
6) what was i talking about? yeah...i have no idea...oh yeah something about ___
7) i KNOW!!!
7 People I want to do this:
1) George (who will never do it)
2) any of the remaining flog girls (seems like im the last in line as always)
3) the good folks at getting to maybe (shawn, i'm looking at you!)
4) nimra
5) monica
6) devina
7) oodles/brimful/chai if you're reading this, join the party =)
deja vu
14 years later, the memory is still vivid. i can still hear the wail of sirens, screaming firemen, chainsaws and the neighbors' gasps of horror. the acrid smoke, the odor of the fire extinguishers, and the foul odor of sweat mixing with the air still burns my nostrils and makes my eyes water.
i was 11 years old and on my way home from a typical day in 6th grade. i had just started taking the bus, a fact of which i was very proud because to me it signified liberation and independence. my parents only agreed to let me take the bus if i agreed to let videsha, my down-the-street-neighbor and friend, who was 2 years older, walk me to the corner before we went our separate ways. it was a cool, crisp november day and the smell of the pine cones filled my nose. i was kicking the leaves down the street as we walked. when we reached the corner where we'd split, i finally registered the commotion in the direction of my house.
my initial reaction was of horror and sympathy for my neighbors, whose house i was sure was on fire. i turned to my friend to tell her what was going on in my head when i glimpsed my cousin walking towards me. i thought to myself how strange it was that jibu chachen would be at our house in the middle of the day when he had work. maybe it was stupidity, maybe it was denial, but my mind couldn't make the connection between the burning house and my cousin's presence in front of my house at 3 pm on a monday afternoon. when my mind finally made me to consider the thought i so deliberately and frantically tried to reject, my first thought was of my mother. i ran screaming towards my house only to be tackled my jibu chachen who reassured me that my mother was fine and was in the ambulance being treated for smoke inhalation. i ran to her and wouldn't let her go for fear that she was an apparition that would fade if i released her.
my mother, as many malayalee women of her generation, is a registered nurse. she used to work nights then so that my father would be around to chaperone, chauffer and care for us during the days while she slept. that monday, november 12, began as a typical day for her. she came home from work at 8 am, ate some breakfast, read the paper and went to bed. my dad used to come home in the middle of the day for lunch and so when she awoke to a blaring smoke alarm, the smell of smoke and pounding on the door, she immediately thought he left something on the stove and that he had locked himself out of the house. she made her disoriented way down the stairs only to be shocked by officer kino busting down the door and dragging her out of the house.
it was veteran's day, which meant a day off from school for most of the kids in my neighborhood, since they attended hoity toity private schools. two such brothers were bored and decided to play with bottlecrackers next to their house. one of those firecrackers they set lit fire to the array of pine cones and leaves around my house that the landscapers had yet to rake. instead of trying to put it out or notify their parents and/or the police, the kids panicked and ran away.
november is a windy, chilly time in the northeast. the crisp air is extremely unforgiving to dry skin and chapped lips. in this case, the bitter wind and the blazing fire joined forces to attack my house. what started off as a innocent, though poorly executed, game with firecrackers became a conflagration that soon devoured the only home i ever knew.
officer kino was making his rounds when he spied the smoke coming from a few blocks away. he called for firemen and police backup and then raced to my house to see what he could do in the meantime. he took my mother outside the house and stayed with her as she watched her investments, memories and security burn up before her.
by the time i reached my house, the firemen were on top of the house with chainsaws trying to break through the roof to get access to the fire attacking my house. the journalists and reporters who had arrived on the scene decided that the image of their brave but futile attempts to counter the fire was a great foil to a picture of my bawling mother and morose father. my parents did not want to call the schools to notify jeff and me. they thought they could save us from some of the horror. little did they know that the following day, every paper's front page would be covered with pictures of the house, the damage and my terrified parents.
considering the damage to the house, that took a year to tear down and reconstruct, we were incredibly fortunate. God kept my mother safe that day and enabled us to rebuild our dreams and hopes along with the house. We had numerous generous and kind friends and neighbors who gave us clothing and pots and pans. We stayed with an aunt for 2 months while looking for a house to rent and my dad shuffled us back and forth to school 30 minutes away. we moved into a terrible, tiny house in the other school district, but i had to keep that my secret for the year, lest i endure a school transfer on top of all the other changes that had set me reeling. my classmates looked at me like i was a freak, but i couldn't blame them for being aghast at the weird kid who constantly burst into tears and had to leave class. i still remember two days after the fire when i went up to mrs. lehmkuhl's desk to explain that i had lost my copy of
where the red fern grows in the fire and i was terribly sorry. i was about to explain that i'd pay the fine for losing the book we were reading in class but i couldn't get the words out before she interrupted me kindly to tell me that's the last thing with which i had to concern myself. moments of kindness and compassion like that made me cry more than anything (and they still do as i'm tearing up at the memory) because i felt so raw and exposed. the compassion and generosity i received should have been a balm but somehow it just reminded me of how vulernable i was.
i didn't know how to relate to the kids i had grown up with after that, although i had always been socially awkward and painfully shy. i coudln't defend myself against cruelty and kindness made me feel incredibly lost. some horrible kids tried to make fun of the fact that i lost my innocence and security in that fire, but thankfully, the teachers were quick to squelch such hatefulness. they never made fun of me for the fire after mrs. izzo lit into them, yelling at them at how they were horrible human beings for making fun of something that was so tragic, that if it happened to them, i would have been compassionate and kind and offered whatever i could, instead of cruel and mean as they were. i suppose i can't blame them because eleven year olds are not especially equipped to deal with tragedy. we were a sheltered community, where even parents' divorcing was a foreign concept at the time. Before The Fire, I was good friends with tracy kino, officer kino's daughter. however, somehow After The Fire, i couldn't look at her without remembering how close i came to losing my mother. i think she understood because she never pushed me to explan myself.
to this day, everything in my life is separated into two time periods: Before the Fire and After the Fire. despite any other tragedies my family has suffered, we always distinguish events by their relation to the fire. morbid, perhaps, but it's our way of trying to make sense of everything.
after we moved back in, we made sure that there were smoke alarms in every room in the house. it soon became a great annoyance because the ultra-sensitive alarms would be triggered by the striking of a match to light a candle or the grilling of food on the deck. however, as aggravating as the alarms were, i never begrudged their presence because i knew exactly what could happen if the alarms did not go off in the midst of a fire.
whenever i see news of fires on tv, i'm always saddened but reminded of how fortunate my family was. i always thank God that He spared my family and send up a prayer for the poor individuals who had to suffer the loss of lives, belongings and possibly everything they ever valued in life.
last thursday's fire was a reminder of how precious and transient life is. although this was my first time awaking to a fire and blaring sirens, my wild imagination always made me sure i knew what the fire in my house in new jersey must have been like. maybe in a way, i've always been waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. i can't help but be a fatalist by nature. i was spared too easily the first time and i guess part of me has always been expecting a bigger tragedy. that part of me accepted the sirens immediately because i knew that my time had come. fortunately, God spared me again, but i wonder how many more times i will escape unharmed. it's a selfish thought in a time of tragedy, but i'd be lying if i denied having that thought.
it is devastating to think that if only the fire alarms functioned properly, two lives could have been saved. it could have been a minor fire instead of a fatal conflagration. i'm so glad that God spared the rest of the residents of my building, but i'm also conflicted about the tragedy. it was so easily preventable and unnecessary, but as a result, building management around the area are taking steps to ensure that their fire alarm systems are functioning. my apartment community is installing sprinklers that will hopefully prevent a similar tragedy from ever occurring. people are being more watchful and careful about turning off stoves, irons and other electrical devices. we're all more careful with candles and open flames.
these are all good things that i'm happy to see. however, everytime i return to my building, i'm saddened by how quickly the building is erasing signs of the fire. intellectually, i understand that charred wallpaper, soot on walls, water damage and blown out windows are bad for business. i appreciate that they are trying to eradicate reminders of the fire so that the residents can be lulled into a sense of security once again. however, i can't help but resent it all the same. two people lost their lives and a few coats of paint and new wallpaper will not diminish the emotional impact on me. i catch myself laughing or watching tv or doing something so mundane and i feel like a traitor and a hypocrite.
i, of all people in that building, should not forget so easily. i feel like i should a candelight vigil or protest. maybe i should wear black for a month to show my mourning for people i never met but for the lives that were extinguished in a combination of careless smoking and reckless building management. i know these are all silly ideas and that it wouldn't mean anything to anyone other than myself. i just can't reconcile my anxiety and sadness with the natural human instinct to persevere and push onwards.
maybe in the coming days or weeks i will be able to find a good compromise. maybe soon i won't freeze up when i hear sirens or see someone strike a match. hopefully i will be able to laugh and be carefree without feeling guilty or regretful.
maybe.
