barbie doll/hooters waitress
there was a time when i was the epitome (at least outwardly) of confidence and self-assurance. i spoke freely about my opinions and was not afraid to voice my thoughts. no matter how negative my private thoughts regarding myself were, i tried to convey an image of self-certainty. somewhere along the line, however, that outward display has dwindled to how i appear currently. gone are the firm beliefs and articulate thoughts. in their place is a fragile resolve and incoherent speech patterns coupled with an annoying propensity to push my bangs to the side.i'm not taken seriously anymore. i don't know how this transition occurred or why i'm only noticing it now. i know my fragile ego has taken a beating throughout the past year and a half, but being in law school surrounded by hundreds of confident, articulate, opinionated people can do that to a person of shaky self-esteem. however, this isn't the first time i've been uncertain about my intelligence or my abilities. that's why i can't understand where the thoughtful, coherent julie went. i don't recognize the spaz left in her place. i've always been a fast talker and i've always gesticulated a bit too much while speaking. stuttering used to be a problem for me if i was struggling to talk at an unfamiliar, slow pace. however, now i just stutter constantly, say "um" and "you know" like it's going out of style and end my statements on a high note as if i'm not asking a question or not committed to my declaration.
it's becoming an increasing concern for me because i'm gearing up the enter the work force for real this time (i consider the "break" between college and law school (not much of a respite considering i worked 14 hour days). who will take me seriously when i'm nearly unintelligible when i speak? do i even want anyone to understand me, considering that the majority of the words coming out of my mouth are nonsensical filler? from where did the disconnect between my thoughts and my mouth come? as i'm typing this, i'm imagining myself speaking and while i think my writing is fairly coherent, i know my spoken version would be embarrassing to witness.
i'm reminded of this girl on the current apprentice. her name is erin and she looks like tamara coming out of the well in the ring. she has long brown hair that, with her too-long bangs, hang in her face. she makes the strangest expressions when things catch her off-guard and you just look at her and think BIMBO! (ok, maybe just i do). however, i must admit that she's surprised me a little because she's more articulate than i expected. while i think she's full of crap half the time, she can think relatively fast on her feet and she doesn't stumble over words like i currently do. guess the egg's on my face.
given my misconception of her intelligence and ability to communicate ideas, i worry about the impression i convey to other people, especially professors and future employers. part of me wants to let my work attest to my ability but the other part of me worries that i won't even get that opportunity to do that because people will judge me right off the bat and write me off as a ditz. i can't say i'd blame anyone who does that.
posted by happy roy @ 3:14 PM
2 Comments:
I can relate to what you're writing about Julie. I think when you're a teenager you're just confident about what you know because you're in this little fish pond called high school, but as you enter the real world and get older, you're surrounded by equally intelligent, confident people.
I remember thinking at 16, "I know more than most people." It was my ignorant confidence speaking. At the ripe old age of 25, I now know that there is a deep crack in my brain draining my all-too-limited supply of knowledge. I strongly believe I actually know less and less as each year passes.
Oprah says this nerve-wracked insecurity is just all apart of teh fun era known as your 20's. YAY! Atleast by admitting you don't know as much as you think you do, you're allowing room for any new thoughts or enlightenment. And that's gotta be a plus, right? Well that's what I like to tell myself when I come to the realization that there's a whole world out there and what I know of it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.
I'm not sure how to react to this last blog of yours. However, you can probably guess my usual reaction and apply it to this case. Hon, you are going to be fine.
i think we all go through this phase, you are not alone. Nobody feels more intellectually beat up than I do. Can you believe that aiming and getting straight B's right now would be the highlight of my life? I'm barely scrapping by and everyday when I go to school and look around me I feel a little more out of place compared to everyone else. I never feel like I belong . . . anywhere. What can i say, I feel your pain. But I do want you to know that you definately do not come off as a flake or "lost" or anything - you always come off as a confident, articulate person (at least to my family!).
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